Robert Maynard Hutchins

Hutchins: Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.

Mom: Is that the guy who invented the mattress?

Dr. Suess

Dr. Seuss: You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.

Mom:  That’s ridiculous (hands waving in air). You can conjure in your dreams what you think it may feel like when you fall in love...but how the hell can you dream it until it happens? Absolute waste of words.

Albert Einstein Again

Einstein: Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

Mom: Well then that person is not a Jew because God is infinite per Judaic teaching, which means so is the universe. But…if there’s a beginning there must be an end. I’d like to be around to find out. Hehe. That would be something that Groucho Marx would say. Or Woody Allen. 

Me: It was albert Einstein

Mom: Whatever. I was talking about my wisecrack. Not the quote.

Steve Martin

Martin: A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. 

Mom:  (laughs) No...per that Icelandic volcano. That’s a day without sunshine. It’s still a day. That’s why we have clocks. Or watches.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Emerson: To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment 

Mom: How about just the simple thing of staying alive.

Oscar Wilde

Wilde: Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much.

Mom:  (laughs) Really? (laughs again) Well how would your enemy know? If they're your enemy you're not going to be anywhere near them. Well that's not necessarily true. I've tried it. It doesn't work. Well...maybe it does work. Maybe he's right.

CS Lewis

Lewis: Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one.

 Mom: (turns head to right) That isn’t even worth an answer...

Albert Camus

Camus: Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.  

Mom: (Hunting for remote) Well sometimes a friend has to lead. Sometimes a friend has to follow. And by the way, saying "don’t" to a friend is not very conducive to a friendship...

(Found remote) Putting American Idol & the dance competition on at the same time…I'm surprised that NBC boob Jeff Zucker wasn’t involved in that screwup.

Robert Frost

Frost: In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.

Mom: Not if you die. 

Mark Twain Again

Twain: Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Mom: Is that, uh, you're, uh, mission statement?

Albert Einstein

Einstein: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Mom: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the SAME result.

Cicero

Cicero: A room without books is like a body without a soul.

Mom: (Hands on waist) What kinda books are they talking about? Is Mein Kampf one of those books?

Mark Twain

Twain: Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth. 

Mom: I used to know who said that.

Me: Mark Twain.

Mom: It's too bad he couldn't have lived his life according to that. I think they said he was a pedophile. So he did...love like nobody's looking.

Eleanor Roosevelt

Roosevelt: Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Mom: Oh, that I've heard for a long time. Without my consent? That is such bullshit. What about a cop when he's interrogating a 15 year old? How about your teacher? Or how about on American Idol when they tell you you've done a lousy job and you're inferior? So inferior measured against what? Whose definition of inferior? 

Friedrich Nietzsche

Nietzsche: Without music, life would be a mistake.

Mom: So somebody who's deaf, who can't hear music, they're life is a mistake?!? Who said that?

Me: Nietzsche.

Mom: What a jerk!

Dr. Seuss

Dr. Seuss: Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

Mom: Sure...unless it's your boss.